As some of you may know, life has been giving me a bit of a bumpy ride lately. I went from being on top of the world to rock bottom in the space of days. The last 3 months have been a rocky road and I’ve had to learn some lessons. Light, dark, light…
There’s been some massive life events that have shaken me up, woken me up and brought me to this point. I think in spiritual circles they call it “transition” or “ascension.” Whatever it is or was, it was compounded by other life events that forced me to look deep within. Sometimes you have to lose everything to realise what’s really important. I’m being taught a valuable lesson here. Nothing lasts forever. This isn’t about doom and gloom though. Flowers grow in the darkest of places and there is always hope.
Three months ago, I was what I thought “happy” and life was going my way. My business was getting off the ground, I had the perfect relationship and I was strong enough to support my family. It was just what I wanted it to be. I thought if anything happens, I can deal with it but I had no idea. First the relationship began to collapse. I didn’t realise the something I thought was so right was so wrong. Then everything else started to crumble, and when this happens your faith is really tested. I have been rock bottom. I remember saying to a friend, “I don’t think I can take any more.” I honestly thought I couldn’t, and then my world was shaken yet again.
I went away to Madrid, and confronted myself and my fears. When I came back, my sister Mariam was really unwell and I realised then she didn’t have long left. We lost Mariam on 23rd June and life will never be the same again. Mariam came to bring out the love in all of us and there isn’t a moment goes by when she isn’t in our prayers and thoughts.
While still trying to comprehend what has happened, I write this thinking my soul understands everything, there is a bigger picture that I’m not seeing. My mind however is still questioning what’s happening. This is the duality of life. I’m trying to close the gap between my spiritual reality and my physical reality. I don’t know how this is done, but to make a start I am trying to live from the heart.
I think about it like this. Your heart is the light that Allah placed in you when he created your soul. The things that happen to you cast a layer of dust over that light. Those of you that know me, know that I haven’t been myself and my glow had almost gone while I was having these experiences. Our journey in life is to make sure that we work towards clearing that dust away continuously. This is by living from the heart, and through our connection to the Divine.
In everything that happens, there’s always a lesson. It’s important to be kind to yourself as well as being kind to others. It’s important to look at yourself from the outside and observe. I can honestly say that in those moments of absolute despair, I realised that all there is is me and Allah and that connection is the one that matters the most. When the chips are down, all you have is faith.
It is a difficult process but I am determined to get through it. I am grieving in many ways. I have lost the person I thought I was, I have lost the relationship that meant a great deal, and above all, I have lost a sister. My focus isn’t the loss anymore. I have gained the opportunity to be true to myself, to understand my value and worth as a person and to give love, strength and kindness to all that cross my path.
I don’t know what else is to come, and whether its easy or its difficult – none of that matters anymore because I am me and I will get through it. I knew I was strong, but I didn’t realise how strong. Life is difficult to swallow sometimes, but when you accept what happens is part of your journey, it makes it easier. I had been struggling with acceptance mostly, and the biggest shift happened when I threw my hands up and said this is what it is. When you finally accept it, the door begins to open and now I think I’m starting to make my way towards that door. That’s not to say that’s the end of it. This is a continuous process and I am a work in progress.
Its been a strange old journey, but I know I’ll be better for it.