Well it’s been an immensely challenging few weeks. My first thought as I begin writing is that people make an assumption that if you’re in a position to guide others and lead, your life must be perfect! We are all in the same boat, and I am living it as much as you are. My first lesson with this pathway was to really understand that what I am sharing with you is something of value. This led me to look at my experiences and recognise that they are also of value.
To shine means to really open yourself up. I wear my heart on my sleeve most of the time. I can’t help it – that’s just my nature but to keep opening up takes work. With this pathway, I was forced to look a lot deeper at my own insecurities and I’m glad I did because I began to really understand what I was avoiding. I didn’t realise I still had so much inner work to do when it comes to shining outwardly.
My battle has always been with structure, with rules, with discipline. It’s like in Breakfast at Tiffany’s where she has a fear of being caged and then realises that we build our own cages. It hit me pretty hard when I started to look at this deeper. I have been trying to get consistency in what I do for such a long time, but I feel like it will make me boring and I have a deep set fear of being boring!! I love being free, I love being rebellious and creative! I only follow structure and discipline if I can see a clear benefit. Take meditation for example. Most people struggle with that as a discipline, but that’s something I love to do, I need to do and makes me feel awesome. When I look at that example, I realise that my comfort zone is my inner world. For some people, it’s their outer world.
It’s really interesting how there have been times in my life where I was obsessed with “Doing” and I was like the Tazmanian Devil, whizzing around and just running ragged getting things done. There were never enough hours in the day! And then I started to realise that I was not a machine, and there was no joy in what I what I was doing and I wanted to come back in to myself and only take inspired action. Rather than doing, I became content with “Being” and although this a cool way to be, I’m at a place where I need a balance between the two. Being creates another story that keeps us from realising our true potential. It’s ever so spiritual to be content with just being, and it teaches you patience and allows you to confront what’s within, but it’s not enough to just “be” for me. I feel like it pushes me in to being more detached from my own life, and reinforces the feeling of being on the sidelines. This pathway shone a light on a deep wound for me and that is to not be afraid to participate in my own life.
My challenge is doing the same things every day and especially when it comes to my work, getting that consistency. When I broke it down, it hit me that I have a real fear of success. Tied in with this is a real fear of coming across as a big ego. In the spiritual world, that’s a real turn off. I know I touched on this when I introduced the pathway, but it is something that I feel I need to break my own fear about and so I will feel the fear and write it anyway because it is something that I need to share with you all, and if I don’t do it, I will always be scared to do it. I wanted these pathways to change me, and so be it.
I had a lovely client in the other day, and we had a really interesting conversation. She said, “You’re amazing at what you do Hafsa. Why don’t you tell people?” and my reply was, “I prefer that it comes from other people because otherwise it’s like me blowing my own trumpet.” She said, “How will people know though, if you don’t tell them?” And I thought about it, and she was right. I have a fear of coming across as arrogant because that isn’t in line with what I think “being spiritual” is all about. This balance between a healthy amount of self-love and ego is the key here.
In my experience, every healer or teacher I have met has a story. Something miraculous or mindblowing that happened to them that gave them their powers. I don’t have that story. I have always been this way, and then it hit me that maybe that is my story and maybe it’s my fear of sharing it that keeps me in the shadows. Perhaps I have been judging them, and that’s my own ego saying “Look at them blowing their own trumpets.” I can own that and when I go deeper in to it, it’s connected to this feeling that nobody is special, especially not me. It’s maintaining humility – or so that’s the story I tell myself. Self-worth is about valuing yourself, and my own ego was stopping me from seeing this. I own it because by judging other people for sharing their gifts, I was wanting to feel better about hiding my own gifts. To me, that’s “Look how great I am for being humble” Ouch! That hurts! I can feel the resistance in my body as I write this and it is a terrifying thing to do, but I feel like I need to feel the fear and do it anyway.
When I was a kid, I’d hate people picking me up or touching me. I cried a lot as a child, and pretty much all through my life. I thought I was a messed up wierdo with mental health issues, and so did pretty much everyone else. People didn’t expect much from me, and I enjoyed being underestimated. I always messed up, I always got in to trouble, I always got caught doing things I shouldn’t, but I wasn’t as thick as people thought I was and academically I excelled despite the low expectations. I liked the feeling of proving people wrong. People only saw what they wanted to see, even when I did well.
I always knew I was different from other people. I always saw what other people couldn’t. I felt things deeply, and I took everything to heart. I was full of rage and anger, and I had no way of expressing it and so I shut myself down, or rebelled or lashed out. I created stories that would make me feel better, because sometimes lying to yourself is the only way through how you feel. I got overwhelmed with everything and the world felt like a really odd place – a place where I didn’t belong. So I felt a lot like being on the sidelines, not really getting involved my own life and just feeling like a spare part. There’s always been times where I just wanted to “go home.” I still have days like that even though I realise that “home” is within.
Funny how you can be so detached from everything, yet still carry on with things. There’s great comfort in the fact that nobody can see who you really are. It makes it easier for you to hide. This pathway has brought up a lot of this for me in the sense that now that people can see who I really am, I have nowhere to hide! This is me coming out of the shadows, off the sidelines and making a decision to lead.
When I found Reiki, things started to make sense for me. As I progressed through the levels, and started doing my own thing and coming to an understanding of how I could use what I have to help others, my life began to take on a whole new purpose. This purpose I couldn’t run from because it was greater than I was. Everything I felt was a curse started becoming a blessing, and I started to create a sense of belonging in that I could draw in people who needed help. I could make a difference and that would help me get through life.
I started to really understand what was happening within me, and it led me to find my many gifts. I feel energy and I always have. I am a sentient being and I can merge with everything around me. I can touch someone and know how and what they are feeling. I can feel where their pain sits. I am shown pictures that help me communicate this to them. I am given words that will help. I have the ability to merge with a person’s being, to go in, to open up wounds and to clear away hurt in a subtle but powerful way. I am able to help them understand it themselves so that they can find their own way. It’s my way of being able to understand, and just know because in you I am recognising parts of myself and I have lived.
As I sit and write this, I’m conscious that I sound a bit odd. These aren’t delusions of grandeur – I assure you. When someone walks in to my healing room, if they are open and I have full permission to connect with them, it’s magical what happens. I take the attitude that once the work is done, it is forgotten and so there is no need for me to rant and rave about how great it all is. I know what I do works, and that’s enough for me but for you to know is another thing.
I’ve been at this work for a couple of years now, and it’s always been up and down. The truth is I struggle with confidence as much as the next person. I look at people who really show off what they do, and I would love to do that but my humble bone always stops me. I’ve reached a point I think where it matters. It really matters because it is the difference between success and failure. If I shine, then I’m visible. If I’m visible, I can make a difference. If I can make a difference, I am living my life purpose and being of service to humanity. This is truly what I want, and so it’s time to stop being afraid of it.
This pathway has taught me that the only person stopping me is me. It’s going to take time to come out of the shadows and feel safe sharing, but isn’t that why I am here? Thing’s are starting to really make sense now.
There’s been a lot of inner work to get to get to this point, but it feels like I’m connecting with the lost parts to bring together everything I need for the next part of my journey. Don’t underestimate how tough it’s been getting to this point, and I have no expectation that it’s going to be plain sailing.
All I do know is that I know what I really want and this pathway has shown me what I have been hiding from. It is important to shine inwardly, but it is also important to shine outwardly.
My message is this.
What I share is of value, and even if it makes just one person think, then it has served it’s purpose.
I need you to know this is me, so if ever you need help, you will remember that I am here and I want to help you.
I know that you can feel my energy even though we haven’t met yet, and that is simply because I am being brave with my words.
It is safe for me to shine!