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Pathway 2 Insights: Az-Zahir – The Star

Well it’s been an immensely challenging few weeks. My first thought as I begin writing is that people make an assumption that if you’re in a position to guide others and lead, your life must be perfect! We are all in the same boat, and I am living it as much as you are. My first lesson with this pathway was to really understand that what I am sharing with you is something of value. This led me to look at my experiences and recognise that they are also of value.

To shine means to really open yourself up. I wear my heart on my sleeve most of the time. I can’t help it – that’s just my nature but to keep opening up takes work. With this pathway, I was forced to look a lot deeper at my own insecurities and I’m glad I did because I began to really understand what I was avoiding. I didn’t realise I still had so much inner work to do when it comes to shining outwardly.

My battle has always been with structure, with rules, with discipline. It’s like in Breakfast at Tiffany’s where she has a fear of being caged and then realises that we build our own cages. It hit me pretty hard when I started to look at this deeper. I have been trying to get consistency in what I do for such a long time, but I feel like it will make me boring and I have a deep set fear of being boring!! I love being free, I love being rebellious and creative! I only follow structure and discipline if I can see a clear benefit. Take meditation for example. Most people struggle with that as a discipline, but that’s something I love to do, I need to do and makes me feel awesome. When I look at that example, I realise that my comfort zone is my inner world. For some people, it’s their outer world.

It’s really interesting how there have been times in my life where I was obsessed with “Doing” and I was like the Tazmanian Devil, whizzing around and just running ragged getting things done. There were never enough hours in the day! And then I started to realise that I was not a machine, and there was no joy in what I what I was doing and I wanted to come back in to myself and only take inspired action. Rather than doing, I became content with “Being” and although this a cool way to be, I’m at a place where I need a balance between the two. Being creates another story that keeps us from realising our true potential. It’s ever so spiritual to be content with just being, and it teaches you patience and allows you to confront what’s within, but it’s not enough to just “be” for me. I feel like it pushes me in to being more detached from my own life, and reinforces the feeling of being on the sidelines. This pathway shone a light on a deep wound for me and that is to not be afraid to participate in my own life.

My challenge is doing the same things every day and especially when it comes to my work, getting that consistency. When I broke it down, it hit me that I have a real fear of success. Tied in with this is a real fear of coming across as a big ego. In the spiritual world, that’s a real turn off. I know I touched on this when I introduced the pathway, but it is something that I feel I need to break my own fear about and so I will feel the fear and write it anyway because it is something that I need to share with you all, and if I don’t do it, I will always be scared to do it. I wanted these pathways to change me, and so be it.

I had a lovely client in the other day, and we had a really interesting conversation. She said, “You’re amazing at what you do Hafsa. Why don’t you tell people?” and my reply was, “I prefer that it comes from other people because otherwise it’s like me blowing my own trumpet.” She said, “How will people know though, if you don’t tell them?” And I thought about it, and she was right. I have a fear of coming across as arrogant because that isn’t in line with what I think “being spiritual” is all about. This balance between a healthy amount of self-love and ego is the key here.

In my experience, every healer or teacher I have met has a story. Something miraculous or mindblowing that happened to them that gave them their powers. I don’t have that story. I have always been this way, and then it hit me that maybe that is my story and maybe it’s my fear of sharing it that keeps me in the shadows. Perhaps I have been judging them, and that’s my own ego saying “Look at them blowing their own trumpets.” I can own that and when I go deeper in to it, it’s connected to this feeling that nobody is special, especially not me. It’s maintaining humility – or so that’s the story I tell myself. Self-worth is about valuing yourself, and my own ego was stopping me from seeing this. I own it because by judging other people for sharing their gifts, I was wanting to feel better about hiding my own gifts. To me, that’s “Look how great I am for being humble” Ouch! That hurts! I can feel the resistance in my body as I write this and it is a terrifying thing to do, but I feel like I need to feel the fear and do it anyway.

When I was a kid, I’d hate people picking me up or touching me. I cried a lot as a child, and pretty much all through my life. I thought I was a messed up wierdo with mental health issues, and so did pretty much everyone else. People didn’t expect much from me, and I enjoyed being underestimated. I always messed up, I always got in to trouble, I always got caught doing things I shouldn’t, but I wasn’t as thick as people thought I was and academically I excelled despite the low expectations. I liked the feeling of proving people wrong. People only saw what they wanted to see, even when I did well.

I always knew I was different from other people. I always saw what other people couldn’t. I felt things deeply, and I took everything to heart. I was full of rage and anger, and I had no way of expressing it and so I shut myself down, or rebelled or lashed out. I created stories that would make me feel better, because sometimes lying to yourself is the only way through how you feel. I got overwhelmed with everything and the world felt like a really odd place – a place where I didn’t belong. So I felt a lot like being on the sidelines, not really getting involved my own life and just feeling like a spare part. There’s always been times where I just wanted to “go home.” I still have days like that even though I realise that “home” is within.

Funny how you can be so detached from everything, yet still carry on with things. There’s great comfort in the fact that nobody can see who you really are. It makes it easier for you to hide. This pathway has brought up a lot of this for me in the sense that now that people can see who I really am, I have nowhere to hide! This is me coming out of the shadows, off the sidelines and making a decision to lead.

When I found Reiki, things started to make sense for me. As I progressed through the levels, and started doing my own thing and coming to an understanding of how I could use what I have to help others, my life began to take on a whole new purpose. This purpose I couldn’t run from because it was greater than I was. Everything I felt was a curse started becoming a blessing, and I started to create a sense of belonging in that I could draw in people who needed help. I could make a difference and that would help me get through life.

I started to really understand what was happening within me, and it led me to find my many gifts. I feel energy and I always have. I am a sentient being and I can merge with everything around me. I can touch someone and know how and what they are feeling. I can feel where their pain sits. I am shown pictures that help me communicate this to them. I am given words that will help. I have the ability to merge with a person’s being, to go in, to open up wounds and to clear away hurt in a subtle but powerful way. I am able to help them understand it themselves so that they can find their own way. It’s my way of being able to understand, and just know because in you I am recognising parts of myself and I have lived.

As I sit and write this, I’m conscious that I sound a bit odd. These aren’t delusions of grandeur – I assure you. When someone walks in to my healing room, if they are open and I have full permission to connect with them, it’s magical what happens.  I take the attitude that once the work is done, it is forgotten and so there is no need for me to rant and rave about how great it all is. I know what I do works, and that’s enough for me but for you to know is another thing.

I’ve been at this work for a couple of years now, and it’s always been up and down. The truth is I struggle with confidence as much as the next person. I look at people who really show off what they do, and I would love to do that but my humble bone always stops me. I’ve reached a point I think where it matters. It really matters because it is the difference between success and failure. If I shine, then I’m visible. If I’m visible, I can make a difference. If I can make a difference, I am living my life purpose and being of service to humanity. This is truly what I want, and so it’s time to stop being afraid of it.

This pathway has taught me that the only person stopping me is me. It’s going to take time to come out of the shadows and feel safe sharing, but isn’t that why I am here? Thing’s are starting to really make sense now.

There’s been a lot of inner work to get to get to this point, but it feels like I’m connecting with the lost parts to bring together everything I need for the next part of my journey. Don’t underestimate how tough it’s been getting to this point, and I have no expectation that it’s going to be plain sailing.

All I do know is that I know what I really want and this pathway has shown me what I have been hiding from. It is important to shine inwardly, but it is also important to shine outwardly.

My message is this.

What I share is of value, and even if it makes just one person think, then it has served it’s purpose.

I need you to know this is me, so if ever you need help, you will remember that I am here and I want to help you.

I know that you can feel my energy even though we haven’t met yet, and that is simply because I am being brave with my words.

It is safe for me to shine!

Click here for the video!

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Pathway 2: The Star

Az-Zahir – The Star

“When you are guided to this pathway, take the opportunity to focus on the face of the One Being in you that is conspicuous, clear, and radiating.”

This second pathway, for me comes at a really good time. This pathway is about shining outwardly, making an impression on people’s lives and it really resonated with me because of the work that I do. I often ponder on this pathway as this thing about shining takes a lot of work!

When I get a client in and we’ve had a really big breakthrough, or when a client is here for the first time and they open up in a really deep way, I find myself thinking “I really do have a gift here and I am using it to make a difference.”

Personally for me, this healthy self-love has been a battle and in this field we always have to be mindful of EGO. It’s a balance between being humble on the one hand because I am in a blessed position to be able to own these gifts and use them to help others, but I think I’ve always felt shy about blowing my own trumpet and talking about how good I am at what I do.

It feels ok for me to say to myself, “you’re amazing at what you do.” It feels ok when my clients say this to me but for some reason for me to say it out loud creates this discomfort in me. I think this is where exploring this pathway might be a good way of finding this balance.

“This pathway tells us that working outwardly in life can be just as important as doing inner work.” (p206) When I read this, I started challenging myself on this. The explanation of this pathway makes a reference to the different ways in which we teach – sometimes subtle and in a roundabout way and sometimes more obviously and openly. In the healing room, both these methods are employed, and when you have someone in person it is easier to read both your heart and theirs and sense your way to what will work.

But when your main route for reaching people is the written word through social media, for some reason a veil comes over what you really want to say, or rather you write in a way that allows people to listen in a certain way. This is quite an eye opening challenge for me in terms of authenticity. I think part of living this pathway over the next week or so will be this consideration of what I really want to say and how that comes out of me. I am watching this very carefully now!

One thing is very clear for me though and it feels like the Universe has thrown down the gauntlet and said, “You want to be heard? Go on then, write, shine, don’t filter.” So that’s the plan. In so many ways, I’ve been being called to write for so long, and I’ve been dabbling but not really putting myself out there so this pathway poses quite a challenge for me.

Part of the process is this letting go of fear. When your message is so public, of course you will be judged, but if you wake people up you encourage others to take action. Maybe that’s what this pathway is signalling for me. I want to be up there leading, so here’s the opportunity to do it.

So, I’m going to spend the rest of this week pondering this pathway some more, and will put together a YouTube video that goes with this pathway once I have some more insights.

I’ll be back when I’m back!

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Pathway 1: Insights

So when I said that this one would take a while to integrate, I had no idea what chain of events was to be unleashed. Synchronicity is an amazing phenomenon, and the events that unfolded were, I believe, part of learning this pathway. I have been trying to write this blog for the last 6 weeks, and it has just not felt like the right time.

“When you are guided to this pathway, take the opportunity to find the place in you that is helping you to grow more and more into yourself – a unique, fully human, being.” (p158)

This pathway is about transformation through our experiences, and a chain of events was to unfold that I had no idea would be the catalyst for this transformation. I was forced very deeply in to my “human-ness”!

The last 6 weeks have been just that – a time of transformation for me. Isn’t it funny how things can change all in an instant? When I introduced the pathway, I talked a little about changing to meet each moment. I had no idea just how much this would happen, how intense and draining it can be, and how enlightening it is when the lightbulb moments happen!

So my house was burgled about 6 weeks ago. My beloved “hubby” (my work laptop) was stolen with no backup, my bags, wallet, cards and also my car to top it off. Basically, I woke up to find everything gone. All taken. All gone. Remembering this pathway, I was surprisingly calm and your first instinctive thoughts are always the ones you come back to as you go on this rollercoaster when all your belongings are taken!

I had to accept that it was all gone. I kept reassuring myself that there must be something good in it, even if I couldn’t see it at the time. What I found was so much kindness from people, and what touched me most of all is knowing how loved I am. It puts things in perspective for me, especially because you kind of see all the good things you’ve tried to put in to the world coming back to you through the kindness of people. It helped, and it made things a lot easier.

I can see how I attracted this in to my experience. It is the difference between choosing to give, and feeling taken from. For me, this has always been difficult to balance. My work means giving, and is demanding. I take care of me, and so nobody asks me how I am. I choose to take care of people, and so they come for help. I’ve been wanting to create the space to make more for me, and this was how the universe handed me the opportunity! You know that feeling when you’ve put so much hard work in, and you feel like it’s got to come to fruition and then this happens! It really threw me and I will admit, I went in to victim mode because I just couldn’t make sense of why it had happened to me. EGO ALERT! Shit happens to everyone! I had to experience of total loss of control to surrender my ego. Difficulty letting go? Let the universe take everything so you have no choice! Out of my hands, and it always was. Control is just an illusion, and ego thing to make us feel better.

When I introduced the first pathway, I also talked about taking something you perceive to be a negative and viewing it as a strength. My weakest muscle is patience and this is one that I have really had to work with. The lesson for me, 6 weeks on, is understanding that I have no part to play in Divine timing. I managed to get pretty stressed out when things were moving slowly, to the point of making myself quite ill! In the end, it does all work out, however the more we try and make things happen, the more resistance we create and it doesn’t feel good! I am, and always will be, learning patience. It’s a lesson that is always repeated.

It’s funny how one bad experience makes you expect more bad luck! That is until you start to focus on what’s good again, and that is when things start to turn around. Surrender it all, focus on being happy! Being fearless is sometimes about taking your focus in to the fact that whatever happens, you’ll deal with it. And everything is ok in the end…only you don’t know when the end is…lol

This comes back to us really understanding what it means to be “fully human” and accepting the whole range of emotions that we feel, even though they don’t feel nice. Everything is part of us, even the bits that we don’t want to acknowledge. For me, there was this massive sense of being hard done by. After all, I put so much in to being positive, why did something like this happen? Because I needed it to show me what was really important. Family, friends, love, support and gratitude. I needed to come back in to the present moment, and I think it is this that brings us to the true essence of this pathway.

There is this magical experience of meeting each moment. And when we first meet the moment, we are unsure of how to greet it. It is remembering that we can choose to greet all moments and emotions as friends. Where we have resistance, the moment we recognise that resistance, we can change in that moment to acceptance and embracing that moment for what it is. Each moment is temporary, and we learn of ourselves by the way in which we experience it.

Being open to emotion, being open to resistance, and working through it all is what builds the foundation for patience. The toughest part for me has been complete acceptance of what is. To achieve this, I have had to become more and more present. It’s only when I did this, that I recognised that perhaps I was being absent from my own life in so many ways.

A painful, but worthwhile transformational shift has happened for me on the inside. The experience has cleansed me of so many things that I was holding that I couldn’t see. It’s only the experience that brought the emotions to the surface, and I needed this for the next part of my journey. When the shift happens on the inside, it takes time for the outside to meet it, and I’m only now starting to see it materialise!

It has been really difficult to write and to get motivated, and partly because this processing is so important, I wanted to be in a place where I could be raw and honest and really open.

Individuated Creation – for me…it’s about meeting and embracing each moment and each emotion. It is about noticing and adjusting. It is about present moment awareness. It is about being aware of what you are creating by being the way that you are.

This is deep stuff, and this is one I think I will keep hold of. It is a good practice to be aware of what you’re creating. The insights hurt, but are profound. Your fears surface, and then subside. I’m taking these lessons and living this pathway as much as possible.

Be conscious of what you are creating!