The theme in the healing room this week has been unrequited love and by that I mean relationship break-ups. I thought it would be a nice, juicy topic to write about seeing as I’m a singleton in the city. Maybe I’m single because I’m wise to the bullshit but I have helped dozens of women who are coming out of not so great relationships.
Women over the ages have fallen for the charms of the wrong guy. You know the one. You love spending time with him. You could talk for hours. He makes you laugh. You think he could be the one…so you give a little more…and get a little physical…
In your head, you’re in a relationship. You’re planning the wedding dress and thinking about flowers and venues. You have that feeling in your heart that this is the ONE and he’s the forever person of your dreams. Sometimes though, you’re seeing what you want to see and possibly missing all the red flags.
You’re not expecting it when he tells you he’s not ready for a relationship. He says this knowing full well that he’s got you hook, line and sinker. Now this puts you in a tight spot. Do you stay invested in the hope that he changes his mind or do you walk away not knowing when the next one is going to come along? You’ve had break-ups before and you know it’s not pleasant, especially when you’re invested.
So you go backwards and forwards in this merry for him but not-so-merry-for-you dance because now you’re emotionally invested in the relationship. You have hope that he’ll see how amazing you are and fall for you in the same way. While he continues being aloof and emotionally unavailable, you get more and more sucked in to the game.
After repeating this cycle again and again, you start to realise it’s a trap. Maybe you should have walked away earlier because as wonderful as hope is, it’s just not solid enough anymore. Remember that while he’s still blocking your line of vision, you’re missing out on meeting anyone else. He doesn’t want you, and he doesn’t want anyone else to have you either. I’m just going to be blunt because this pattern is one that I see a lot of the time. You’re not getting any younger, and it’s time to move on, but it’s just so difficult right?
It’s quite a journey learning self-worth and then there’s the self-actualisation part where you really need to put your money where your mouth is. This is where healing comes in.
When push comes to shove, you know yourself that you are worth much more than this. When you’re treated like an option, you know that you deserve so much better. When enough is enough, you need those cords cut and you need your power back.
This is usually when you book an appointment to release “all that no longer serves you” or in other words, wash that timewasting Mo Fo out of your hair and a healing bodywork session is the best way to do this – trust me!
Remember that every relationship is an energy exchange and his energy is sitting in your system feeding off you. That’s what I pull out during a healing bodywork session, and at the same time, I help you restore the faith in yourself so that you’ve got the confidence to move on without looking back.
Break-ups have become one of my specialities and if you’re ready to move on, I can help you get that thorn out of your side. Make the call – let’s get you sorted so that you can attract what you’re worth!
And once you’re ready to create that fairytale because I can help you get the good stuff!
As human beings, we have to find coping mechanisms otherwise life becomes all too much to bear. I wanted to talk about these coping mechanisms in this piece but also to highlight that there is a difference between a coping mechanism and a coping strategy.
When it comes to coping mechanisms, there are many. I would define a coping mechanism as any automatic behaviour that occurs as a response to a stressful situation. And there are many at our disposal. Some people will comfort eat when they’re stressed. Some people bite their nails. Some people reach for a drink or a smoke. Some people slam the door and walk out of the room.
There are different ways that we use to shut down our emotions. If you think about how difficult you find it to sit in silence. Just you being with you and what that does to you. After a while, you’ll want to reach for something. For some people, it’s music, noise or just being around people. The biggest one is the phone and that continuous scrolling.
I’m not knocking any of these things but what I am saying is that these coping strategies are UNconscious and automatic. We barely give it a thought. Let’s take scrolling. It’s therapeutic and it means that you don’t have to really focus on anything for more than a couple of seconds. The brain likes this because it serves as a distraction. Before you know it, half an hour has been lost in the phone and you’re not getting that time back.
I teach people coping strategies and the starting point is to identify what mechanisms they are currently using as a distraction. If you just sit and have a think, this can tell you a lot about what’s happening, what you’re avoiding and how you choose to avoid it.
A coping strategy is more conscious and deliberate and once you’ve worked out what’s automatic, you can still do those things but do them consciously. There’s so many tools that can help you. The first one is journalling because when we write what we observe about ourselves, it starts to become real. When it starts to become real, it starts to really bug and when it bugs is when you’re more likely to want to do something about it.
As well as journalling, learning how to breathe can be a massive coping strategy. You’ll notice that when you’re stressed, breathing gets shallow. The breath is the life force and at times of stress, the more breath we can bring in to our body, the more we are able to control that stress level. You can check out my online journalling course for help on how to journal more effectively.
It’s funny because proper breathing isn’t really taught. I remember my lovely Yoga teacher Sue (God rest her soul) who taught me how to properly breathe and goodness me what a difference that made. If you’re interested, start with searching for the “Yoga 3 Part Breath.” It’s pretty amazing and you’ll notice how different you feel when you are full of life force.
Recognising stress is one thing. Managing it is another. I think it’s important to learn these tools and it’s something that I’ve been learning and teaching for many years.
Maintenance is the key as is having a plan for what you do when you start feeling the stress tremors. My strategy is to get my journal out, have extra meditation time and plan a trip out in nature. It’s good to have a plan!
If you’re finding yourself reaching for things that give you a temporary salve and you’d like to learn more, why not give me a call and let’s see if we can find a way to help you with it.
Lets start with some grounding…
I offer everyone a free consultation call and you can book this here.
“I’m working on myself right now” – have you ever heard someone say these words and thought “I wonder what they’re actually doing?” I mean, what does it actually mean to be working on yourself.
It’s often a vague and lofty concept that can encompass a whole host of things and so I thought it would be good to break it down. There’s plenty of ways of doing it but I’m going to tell you about some of the things that you’ll need to get started.
Remember everyone does this sort of work in a different way and as part of my journey, I’ve had to do a hell of a lot of it! Teaching it has become my bread and butter so I thought I would share some key things if you’re starting out on the “working on yourself” journey.
The first thing that you need to clear on is “Why do I want to work on myself?” This an absolute corker of a question and in my view, its the entire lynchpin of the whole process.
If you’re not clear on WHY you are doing something then the chances are is that you’ll start it but not follow through. One of the most important things about working on yourself is acknowledging that just like a puppy, it’s not just for Christmas. It’s for life!
There’s plenty of reasons to want to do it. Maybe you’ve gone through a tough time and you feel that it’s highlighted areas in your life where you could be a lot stronger. It might be that you’re looking at yourself and thinking, “how did I get here?”
It happens often that life just does its thing and you wake up one morning and realise that you don’t really know you are anymore. For some people, it’s about wanting to get the “old me” back.
Once you’ve got reason for doing it, we can start getting to the meaty stuff!
What do I want to work on?
How long is a piece of string? This can also get vague and wafty and lead you in to avoiding certain topics because it makes you uncomfortable. In my experience, the things that make you uncomfortable are the best topics that you can start with.
The common one for most people is “self-love” and that in itself is a huge area but we can start to break it down. The first thing to ask yourself is how does it actually show up in your life?
It might be that you’re a people pleaser or you get treated like a doormat. It might be that you’re really horrible to yourself and beat yourself about not getting things right. It might be that you want everything to be perfect including yourself. It might be that in some situation, you’re just pretending your happy when your not.
Whatever situation makes you uncomfortable, that’s your starting place. Think about what it is and write it down. Next think about what you’re trying to show on the outside. Then write down what you’re actually feeling on the inside. This mismatch is what causes the discomfort and we all have situations like this so it’s the easiest starting point for everyone.
What can I do to get started?
I thought I’d touch on some of the ways that you can start doing this work. This is hopefully enough to help you get started and if you feel like you want to do more or you want to go a bit deeper, then get in touch. The methods below are just the basics and there is a whole lot more to it but if you’re just starting out on this journey, this is the starting poing.
Usually the first port of call, especially if you’ve realised that you have a really busy mind and find it difficult to switch off. The starting point is to begin with grounding. Grounding helps calm that chatter down and reconnect your mind and your body so that you’re not away with the fairies or lost in your thoughts.
Simply bringing yourself back down to earth in the morning can do you the world of good and I would say even if you don’t do anything else, this is probably the one thing that will help you the most. You can use it when you’re anxious, stressed, struggling to sleep. You can also use if after any other guided meditation that you’ve done because it helps integrate the work in to your physical reality. Here’s one I prepared earlier to help you get started.
There are so many resources out there that help with so many different things which is fabulous! Whether its mindfulness, releasing stress and worry or manifesting abundance there’s probably a guided meditation out there that can help you.
I like creating guided healing experiences through meditation in the form of transmissions. Transmissions help you to connect to the healing energy yourself and will transport you to a different world! There’s a selection on my Soundcloud channel that you can go and check out.
One of the best ways of sorting out what’s going in your head is to start journalling. The best way to do this is to sit with your notebook and pen. Stick a timer on so maybe start with 5 minutes.
You’re going to begin writing whatever comes in to your head and write it as if you are thinking it. If you find that difficult, you can have a bank of prompt questions in your journal. For example, the things that make me angry, my earliest memories, the things that make me uncomfortable…
I’m going to be launching a course on journalling for healing soon but this should be enough to help you get started.
Journalling is so therapeutic and gives you a way of releasing all the stuff that you’re holding on you. It’s worth giving it a try.
If after you start doing a bit of this work you’re finding that there’s a lof of stuff that you need to understand or let go of, then it might be time to get some help with it.
Healing gives you a different view of yourself and can help you to see things in a different way so that you’re able to resolve and move past the things that you feel are causing you bother.
There’s so many different healing modalities so choose one that works for you and if you’re not sure, give me a call and we can have a chat about what works best for you.
For some people, they want more focus on changing specific areas of their lives and this is where coaching comes in. It’s a good way of highlighting a problem or issue and working through it.
I love working with coaching clients because you get to see them grow in confidence and transform. My methods are about teaching them how to make these changes for themselves and giving them the support that they need.
Coaching is a great option for people who want do learn how to do the work on themselves for themselves and really do that deep dive in to themselves.
One of the benefits of coaching is that it challenges you to look outside the box. One of the things I’m good at is pushing people out of their comfort zone. When you’re working on yourself, most people will tend to stick to exploring what feels safe and comfortable. If you’re working with me, we go in to raw and grimy aspects – the good, the bad and the ugly. This is done in a fully supported way and although its designed to push your buttons, it is also designed to make you grow by overcoming your fears and insecurities.
If you’d like to know more, please get in touch.
If you are doing this sort of work on yourself and you’re feeling a bit lost, I need you to know that you are not alone. In fact, there are people just like you on my Thursday Club.
There’s so many inner work themes that we can explore and this weekly group coaching call pulls out all the stops with new content every week, homework, exercises, group healing.
If you’re looking at working on yourself with support from a professional, this would be great for you. It’s also a great way of learning about lots of different areas in a structured way. It’s also a way of connecting with like minded people.
So if you’ve read this and it’s whet your appetite for working on yourself, why wait to get started?
Get yourself grounded, get yourself a journal and make a start! There’s a few themed videos on my YouTube channel that will give you some ideas.
If you want to try out Thursday Club, you can have your first session on me. I think it’s nice to try before you buy but please do get in touch if I can help.