Now this pathway I found really interesting for where I am in my life. I have just been away to Istanbul. My second visit to what I consider in many ways to be a spiritual home.
I was called the first time, and fortunate enough to be called again. The first trip triggered a long process of cleansing and clearing, and those experiences led me to where I am at now. All the good, the bad and the ugly that needed to be raised to make me who I am was as a result of that trip and I’m certainly grateful for it. Although at the time, I had no idea that it would be the catalyst for such massive change.
I feel as if everything that I had asked for on that first trip had been achieved so going back felt like closure in a way. A feeling of peace and gratitude, but also space to shape the next phase of my life.
This pathway gave me just that. It is about shaping our lives, but also allowing ourselves to be shaped through our experiences. It highlights that the Divine shapes and moulds us in to what we are through our experiences and that process is one of continuous evolution.
For me, this pathway made me think again about who I want to be. I felt like I have grown in to the person I wanted to be, but sometimes when that process is complete, there is a void to fill. The pathway shows us that we are being moulded and kneaded in to shape all of the time. This can either feel like we want to escape life or embrace it – and it very much depends on how much we are able to surrender to the process.
While I was away, I had some magical experiences and moments of insight and wisdom. You know when you cross paths with strangers and the words exchanged are just what you needed to hear and the answer is clear? Those sorts of experiences that I will cherish and never forget. Accidental happenings that answered the questions I was seeking answers to.
Practicing this pathway made me realise that the route to getting here was a long journey of many steps, yet I was feeling so impatient about knowing the answers and for me, it showed me that the answers keep revealing themselves. Sometimes you just have to relax and it becomes crystal clear.
The first stage is this concept of surrendering and accepting that I do not know best. It’s funny that when you allow yourself to be guided, everything becomes a message from the Divine and you can feel your heart talking to you and leading you to where you need to be. For me, surrender has always been challenging and I am still working on it. I noticed pretty much straight away how much expectation plays a role in my suffering and sense of control. Surrender means acceptance of everything, good and bad and saying I am happy with this. I thought I had this down, but exploring this pathway made me see my inner control freak in full blown technicolour. It also made me look at my Ego in a different way, and helped me to see aspects of my shadow that I had been avoiding looking at.
This places control in a different light in that we try so hard to avoid confronting the shadow aspects of ourselves. We feel guilt and shame for feeling the way we feel about certain things, and this is something that we hold. Using this pathway, surrendering those feelings simply by acknowledging that they were present within me gave me a sense of peace. It also gave me permission not to be in control, and a realisation that I could experience this shadow aspect without causing any harm to anyone else.
I think as human beings, we have an idea of what a “good” person should or should not think or do and when we have emotions that conflict with this, it becomes difficult to deal with because we feel like it makes us a bad person and it is shameful. Through this pathway, I felt like I was learning all over again to be responsible for everything I was feeling and to really own it. It is difficult to own your Ego and overcome shadow feelings. Sometimes we feel bitterness, resentment, irritation, anger, impatience, envy, rejection, sadness, misery but we think we can not feel it fully because it has an impact on the people around us. Sure, people may notice that you are not yourself, but you can not harm them with what you are feeling. You only harm yourself by not honestly facing what is there.
This pathway about designing and training is about living honestly and understanding the contrast that the shadow aspects of yourself allow you to see. By avoiding the shadow, there is a clear message that these are emotions you do not want to feel. This resistance is also a resistance to allowing the Divine to shape you. It contradicts acceptance and surrender to all things that are bestowed on you, regardless of how it all feels to you.
By knowing what you don’t want, ultimately you understand what you do want. I felt like the counter emotion to all these shadow aspects I was discovering is Love. When I asked myself, “How do I want to redesign my life?” the answer is with Love. To work through your shadows, you need Love. To ensure your reality feels good to you, you need Love. To surrender, you need Love.
The pathway is about continuous evolution and the way Creator changes us over time, and in our darkest moments we forget that even that is out of Love. This whole process of being human with all it’s intricacies is made easier with Love.
I remember how it used to be before I came to this path. I always used to think “Why me?” when I recalled all the moments of darkness, all the painful experiences, all the suffering I felt I had to go through. It all makes perfect sense though when I think about it because I needed to go through all that to be here doing this. You never grasp it at the time, but there are some experiences that are absolutely necessary as without them, you can not appreciate the fullness of your gifts here on Earth.
Finally, for me this pathway was very much about getting out of my own way and almost disappearing to allow the life force to work on moulding me. The trouble with the human mind is that it always has an opinion on what is happening! This pathway has taught me neutrality in it’s purest sense and given me a sense of curiosity. It taught me that I can set an intention and ask for something and it will be received. However, the way I receive it and the timing are not things I have any control over. It allowed me to pose the question, “What happens if I do nothing?” and I was finding clear guidance and signs and synchronicities as a result. It gave me confirmation that there are signs, and the path is lit up, but we are so caught up in trying to control and mould our own lives that we forget that there is a bigger picture. This higher plan will play out regardless of whether we do or we don’t.
From this, I took away something very important and that is the feeling of peace that comes with accepting the good and the bad and being happy with all emotions. Although we may not entirely be convinced that what happens to us is for the best, if we can see that it isn’t the end point and take the lessons that it brings, it gives us peace. Where my Ego would say that’s passive, it makes sense to just drop it and get out of my own way by saying, “Yes ok – thank you because I know this is leading me somewhere.” The critical learning is that in that moment of GRRRR – it isn’t the end point yet your ego will make you feel like it is. Continuous motion, continuous learning and continuous evolution. If you grasp this, life becomes something very different and the joy comes back. It is, in itself, a way of connecting and staying connected through the pain.
When you reject a situation, you become separated and disconnected from Source and it feels that there is no help and support. Why would Creator do this to you? As Rumi said, “The cure is in the pain.” In actual fact, it is an opportunity for you to accept and be the closest that you can be to Creator. Those painful emotions are a way of bringing you closer to the Truth but it is only through facing those shadows that we get there.
The pathway recommends that we get a feel for the design of our lives even if all the steps are not clear yet. It also suggests that we look at what’s going on inside us with love and discipline to clear and dissolve. It shows us that there isn’t an end point. Nothing is good and nothing is bad. It is all purely experience that shapes us.
It may not make sense at the time, but it will one day. For me, it is stepping back and allowing these experiences to support personal perfection, learning and growth. It is not judging the feelings and experiences and it is understanding that Love changes and moulds everything.